To buy or not to buy

Just an update on my fashion victim status.
I found some nice low wedges in 2 different colours. I couldn't decide which colour to get, and in view of the hell i went through trying to find them..... i got them both.... and a handbag.
I knew you would all understand

Licence plates

I have decided to collect licence plates from around the world, so excited as this is my first collection of anything I think.

Need sleep, so going for a nap

Morning all

xxx

Life is playing games

Life is playing games with me, teasing me with evil tricks, giving and taking away, flashing dreadful looks. When I finally have it figured out, he turns everything upside down, never giving me a moments peace. Spinning me around like a top. When I finally land, though not on my feet, I don't know where to turn. Can't distinguish left from right. Bottom from top. Inside out or right side up.

Empty pages

Empty pages in my diary at last!
Now pass the chocolate, a mug of tea and my fleecey blanket and I'll go into hibernation for a few days
See you all soon xx

Update...

OK yesterday I went to the Joke-Centre (Job-Centre) and as I knew it would be, it was a complete waste of time. The said they were going to, and I quote:

"We will look at your Jobseeker's Agreement to see if it is still helpful. We will talk with you about jobs, training and other ways of helping you back to work. We will also tell you about help you may be able to get when you find work."

What they actually did was do a job search on their databases, which I do every week anyway. They did not even look at my "Jobseeker's Agreement". Nothing was talked bout, jobs or training or anything at all helpful. I asked about possible training, they said some colleges offer some courses at a discount, not very helpful. I also asked if they would look at my C.V. and see if there was anyway that it could be improved, they said "we do not have the resources for that". I am like ... what the heck are they there to do ?

I want their job, all they ever do is sit there and tell people to look for their own job and there is no help they can give. I could do that, I would make a DVD and put it on repeat saying "Don't ask me, I have no answers, look them up yourself" and go to the local pub.

Last night I went to dinner for my fathers birthday. It went well although uneventful. We went, we ate, we came home. That was it, nothing fun, good, but then again nothing bad either. The company was lighthearted and good as a whole.

Enjoy the rest of the week. Arnt we getting lovely weather !!!

xxx

I'M NOT GOING MAD

HONEST
for any of you wondering why i wrote the same post twice... it's cos for some reason after i did the post it slotted in BEFORE 'i get accused' not after. the ironic thing is in an email i recieved earlier today, i did a little quiz that told me i was 'very observant'! clearly that was 'very innacurate'
smokey also couldnt find my post... wonder what she got in the quiz

(i know the punctuation isn't very good but its 10pm and i cant be bother to press the shift key)
(( except for brackets and exclaimationmarks cos i likes em))

Fashion victim

Ok, this seasons fashions are conspiring against me to make sure i go naked for the next 6 months.
Mini dresses???? Platform shoes???? Are you mad????
At least noone will be able to see my Injection Site Reaction marked legs (and after 4 years they are marked!) when I'm lying face down on the ground. Any so long as my mini dress only hitches up over one bumcheek... the good bumcheek it'll be fine! (I can only inject the right side)
Thank god for maxi dresses, leggings and ballet pumps, thats what I say!

I get accused

Thank you Divvy, Candy Cane and the forever falling over Funky Mango for the waves.

Candy Cane you need to take it easy girl ... get some free spaces.

Today I went to the garden centre, one of those old fashion ones that sell pot plants (Plants in pot not pot in a tub), and compost. Not one of these new ones that sell ornaments and wind chimes and stuff like that. I got accused of stealing !!!

I was wearing tight jeans, boots, and a long t-shirt. As I cannot carry the compost bags at the moment and a pot plant would not fit in my tight jeans I have no idea what I apparently nicked and where the hell I hide the blasted thing.

Anyway the manager came out ranting at me to “put it back”. I just stood their blankly between the the HUGE pots. When the manager came right over, still shouting, I asked him where I have hidden whatever it is I nicked. I did a twirl and said “see, no where to hide anything”. He smiled at me and said he would be watching me then walked off. Like what the feck was that all about (apologies to readers who may be offended in any way) ?

I have the joke centre (jobcentre) tomorrow, which I hate, but at least they now have someone who is better at helping me, well that is what they have said in my letter. I reserve judgement for now but I lack any hope really. Will let you know how it goes.

I also got to go out for dinner tomorrow as it is my fathers birthday. It should be ... erm ... fun ? :-\ Once again I will tell you know it goes, if I come out of it sane enough to do so.

Right I am off to see who is in Jooly's Joint

Have a great week and fantastic health

xxx

Ok, that's it

I've had enough! this years spring fashion seems to have conspired against me to make it impossible to buy any new clothes.
Mini dresses??? Platform heels??? Are you mad??? At least noone will be able to see my injection site reaction marked thighs (and after 4 years they're a pretty picture) while I'm face down on the ground. And so long as the mini dress only hitches up on one side you'll see a nice peachy bumcheek! (I can only inject one side, can't reach the other).
Well, all i can say is thank god for maxi dresses, ballet pumps and leggings! Although i do still fall over in ballet pumps but I'll save that for another blog entry

No empty pages...

Still no empty pages in my diary......
I happen to know another young lady with MS has just discovered dress shopping on ebay... you go girl xxxxx

I dare you all

There are a couple of things I would like to say in this blog entry.

Firstly the blog entry I left yesterday was written during an emotional time when life seemed to be getting to much. I was getting distracted of the point.

Secondary I am feeling a bit disheartened by this whole experience, it is the same very very very few people who are leaving comments and actually blogging. So if you are reading this leave a comment so I know that I am not writing this in vain. You do not need to get an account, you can leave an anonymous comment although that takes longer to appear apparently. Go on give it a go, I dare you.

This is for everyone, lets make it fun for all.

I am so lethargic today and can't seem to shake off my headache. My computer is doing seemingly random updates so having to keep restarting it.

I have nothing more to add for the moment,

Hope you all are having a great long weekend

Take care

Confused Female

When do you stop hurting ?

When does a broken heart heal? People say to give it time, but sometimes it is these same people who then drag out the pain by throwing salt in the wounds time and time again.

I don't want to bore you with tales of a broken hearted female, but I long for the time when I can think freely without wanting to turn to a drink to soften the pain, without me waking up in the middle of the night just to turn over, cry and fall back into a fitful sleep.

How long does it take ? The answer "time", it is always time. Good old time can do so much, but it lacks personality, it lacks the ability to give me a hug and make everything ok again for me. It cannot turn wrongs into right, nor can it heal scars that run deep in the sub conscious. Time, magical and mysterious, constant and reliable, but does it really do any good ?

"You'll be alright duck" - Will I ? Who are they to say for sure ? I don't feel like I will ever be alright again.

I have my Grandmother staying for a week or two, perhaps three, I don't know and neither does anyone else it seems. She is a lovely woman, but she never stops whining. She finds things to complain about all the time, even when there is nothing she still manages to find something. Her mobility isn't great, far better than it was a few months ago though, so going out anywhere is like a military exercise !!! I know it is not her fault, but with me having to work out whether I can go somewhere and do something is hard enough, now we have a second person who is worse than me. It gives us both something to giggle about.

We are quite the fashion parade as when we go out we take our sticks, hers is blue strips and mine is purple and pink circles. We may need to have sticks but we won't be dull, it's not in our nature you see ;-)

Happy Easter or Passover or whatever you are celebrating this week.

Have a great week and good health, or great health and a good week.

All the best

Smokey xXx

Yey

yey
i got the first post in april

April fool's day poem

Today is April fool's day

And my little joke on you

Is not a whoopee cushion

Or some phony dog poo-poo

It's not a made up story

For which you'll surely fall

It's not some plastic vomit

Or a Richard Hertz phone call

My April fool's joke on you

Is a more conceptual thing

Than flies inside your ice cubes

Or a little squirting ring.

My April fool's day prank on you

(Oh this will really show 'em)

You've already suckered for it,

THIS IS NOT A POEM!!

I love my friends

Last night I wrote a letter to a very dear friend of mine who lives some distance away from me at the moment. I would like to share with you an excerpt from it, as it wasn't until I wrote it down that I finally "got it", understood what it was I was trying to understand.

"... The one thing I have learned about happiness, it will never last pretending you are not you. Somehow the truth will arise and all that you hide will show through. Sooner or later, one way or another, something in your life seems wrong. You go to bed unhappy and awake the same, repeating life's mistakes too long. One day, to yourself, you begin to question "Is this who I am and wish to be"? How will I choose to live the rest of my life, till death comes? Most people wish to be at peace with G-d, oneself, and those we love. Frequently taking a look at our past.

Insanity is often defined as "doing the same things again and again, but expecting a different result" the seeming inability to learn from past mistakes. To learn you must look at who you are, really are. Not the mask that you have worn for so long as a disguise and protection, that you stopped long ago remembering what was under the mask, then eventual forgot you were wearing a mask at all.

In primary school when you ate the paste, it wasn't because it tasted good, it was because it was forbidden. Every night used to be primary school, and every drink, drug and person the paste. In first grade when you told the boy, you didn't do it to hear him say he liked you. You did it because you knew it was hopeless. Everyday was first grade, every drink, drug and person him.

...

That is the evolution of survival, that surviving depends on amnesia. The innate tendency to discontinue loving anything, anyone that is gone. That is life. That is its sour seed that grows inside each of us. This is the frailty of life. A paradox of loyalties that invariable cease the moment we can't use them anymore. This is the truth of happiness. A swarm of bees attacking as we catch the bits of nectar that drop. There the future was writ in forbidden paste on primary school lips. Our paradise lost before we ever knew we had them. ..."

Obviously I cannot go into the problems that led me to write this letter, at the time I wrote it. All I want to say is, be who you really are and do not hide behind any masks, otherwise you risk your happiness and sanity. I have lived behind a multitude of masks myself, and always had a reason for them. "It's a psychological disorder", "It was the drugs", "The drinks", "I had to for my boy friend", "It's to help me with MS", again and again I would put on a mask, build the walls, and cocoon myself in pure insanity. Again and again I refused to see the pain and sadness was due to the masks and not from what I was trying to protect myself from.

I missed out on some of the apparently "best years of my life" because I was hiding. I can now see that I was hiding from myself, after all I am my own worse enemy. I just ask, and beg that you do not make the same mistakes I have. Be who you are and be proud of that. You may flaws, you may consider you have more than the next person, but they are part of you, they make up the building blocks of you. You should be just as proud of your flaws as you are of your achievements, because you become stronger by learning from your mistakes than do from the things you get right.

To all my friends, thank you. You have supported and chided, laughed and led, hugged and yelled at me. For all these acts I am so grateful to you all.

Have a great week and brilliant health.

Love Smokey xXx