The random rants and meaningful musings of seven digital divas (who happen to have MS)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Peeing in the wind

Candy Cane
Do you ever feel that life is conspiring against you? I'm starting to feel failing is inevitable.

I started learning to drive in October 2002 when I was 17... unfortunately I didn't have the greatest driving instructor (more interested in taking my money for as long as possible) and when I had my first relapse in Feb 2003 I decided to take a break from driving, get better, deal with the bombshell that had just been dropped and attempt to concentrate on my A Levels. So anyway, roll on June 2003 when I had been told I didn't have MS, I was fully recovered from my first relapse (although looking back it was actually my 3rd) and my exams were all over.... I found myself a fantastic new driving instructor, whizzed through my manoeuvres and had a test booked in mid September. GREAT!

... If only life were that simple! August 2003, second relapse, oh sorry diagnosis was wrong... drugs by September followed bad side effects to drugs and a huge relapse, test out the window and I went into hibernation......

June 2005, nearly 2 years has passed and I'm finally feeling strong enough to start getting some building blocks in place. You know, driving, going to the gym.. just generally trying to build an adult life after having being cared for by my parents for nearly 2 years. But driving first! Driving is the key to my independence! Without it I wont be able to get my own house, or a job!

So away I go, I take my theory test first, 35 out of 35, don't know what i got on the hazard perception test... but who gives a toss its a load of crap! Start learning to drive again, after 2 years it's really starting from scratch. Test booked in Sept 05, I feel better than I've felt in years! ... until September of course.. another winter of bugs and hibernation... driving on hold till January 06

OK, January, this is it this time! Cant get a test till April but that's plenty of time, I'm quite relaxed and confident about it so I plod on. The good news is i did manage to take that test.... the bad news is there was an incident with a mini round about and i failed (deservedly). But the guy did say I was a good driver and I should go for it again, so i booked the earliest test there was in June... yes the waiting list is that long! Roll on June 10th, it was England's first world cup match at the same time so I would virtually have had the roads to myself. Too good to be true? Of course, in the early hours of June 1st I was rushed into hospital and my appendix was taken out. I did ask them if they could wait a fortnight, or give me an epidural so i wouldn't be effected by the anaesthetic but no, anaesthetic it was! I did offer to just lie really still but they seemed to think i was joking... and to be fair, i did just want the damn thing out of me.

So anyway, June 10th cancelled, August 17th booked.. got back on the horse in early July only to discover I have problems with my eyes when I move my head. I had to stop the lesson half way through cos i was feeling a bit pukey and disorientated. Anyway at this point I decided to take a rest, let my eyes heal and start again after Christmas

Bloody hell this is a long entry! sorry guys, we're on the last leg i promise

So to bring you up to the present day I started again in March 2007, January and February weren't very good months, and you need full brain and energy to drive as intensely as you do in lessons and tests. I've done ok, it's really hard starting again because you know everything, but it's become all jumbled up. When you first learn to drive you just do as you're told and build up step by step. I had a test last week, but i failed it cos i panicked in the last 5 minutes, the guy said I was a good driver (AGAIN) and told me to rebook. And I have, its in a week or 2.

So to bring me to the point of this ridiculously long blog entry (Its taken 3 days, 2 vanilla slices and 6 cups of tea to write)

Now I have a cold. My test is only few weeks away, and I'm sure the cold will be gone, but how badly fatigued am I going to be after? And how long will it last? And my theory test runs out in early June, so then I'm going to have to do that again if I can't take this test.

So you see? I really hate to sound like I have a victim mentality but I've had SO much bad luck over the last 4 years. I laugh at myself when I cry and hear myself sob 'but It's so unfair!' It's an old cliche... but it really is unfair. I am trying my best, I really am! But sometimes My MS just gets the better of me. You hear all this crap about fighting you're MS.. but you can't fight an invisible army. I'm trying my best to get on with life... but it's hard, and when things go wrong it's not my fault. And the one thing that really gets the better of me is that it's not my ABILITY as a driver that is the problem, its just the nature of having an unpredictable disability such as ours.
Don't worry I wont give up, I can't afford to, but god it's hard to keep going sometimes.

Well.... well done to anyone that is still with me. I know its a long entry but there was really no way of expressing how i felt, and making my point without going right back to the start. Next week... extracts from heathcliff


Anonymous said...

don't worry candy cane i know you can do it... to be honest your ability to handle such a big thing is inspirational. and to cry it's just not fair is something everyone does whether they have a disabilty or not. you should never have to apologise for it, it is the rest of use that should for being such drama queens who have no real reason to for the appendix i do appologise i do think it was my fault for having my birthday at such an in oppertune time. in a way i was glad it was your appendix and not a major relapse. good luck for the test. and for the record i have never questioned your driving skills! xxx

shop-till-you-drop said...

You couln't make it up could you!

All I can say is it just shows how wonderfull,adapting and patient lot we have to be, when living with uncertanties day to day.

I know you wouln't give up, and when you do pass it will be more of an achievment that it is anyway. We are amazing the way we keep on taking small steps to achieve what other people can do much quicker.

Behind you all the way x

harkoo said...

I am hearing you loud and clear--i went without driving for 6 years due to ms issues and began again last year--it has been a bit by bit affair--getting car, insurance, taking the permit test again, finding a driving instructor, lessons twice/week and you are right--it is like beginning all over again. It is scary out there--there are more cars now and people drive like maniacs now! I still have the summmer to keep practicing and then i too will be scheduling a driving test--i can not remember when i have been more nervous. I feel such compassion for your struggle to get your license and i will be following your situation with what i hope will be a good outcome for you. You say it correctly--it is our independance we are fighting for! Much luck to you.

Candy Cane said...

hehe, what anonymous didn't mention is i was out for her birthday on 31st may last year but i went home at 10pm cos i was feeling poorly, only to be awoken a few hours later by THE WORST PAIN EVER in my appendage area. i've never been able to prove it was her fault... but it cant be a cooincidence!

Thanks harkoo and s-t-y-d you encouragement (and you anonymous) it was really hard writing a moany piece, i was half expecting to come back to find comments telling me to 'think positive' 'dont worry, it'll be ok' or 'shup up you miserible cow' but i should have known i could rely on my Fellow MSers (and you anna...nonymous)

good luck with your driving test harkoo xx

Anonymous said...

Shut up you miserable cow - hee!hee! well I couldn't let you down with your expectations could I??

Wow!! I admire you for keeping up the fighting spirit, I think I would have given up by now!!!! Makes me greatful that I passed my test way before the MS (and that's not a dig, I just don't think I'd have done it knowing about the MS so hats off to you!!)

Good luck for the next test I will keep everything crossed for you.

Oh by the way - I think you are justified blaming anonymous for your appendix experience (I reckon a piece of dodgy cake lol)

Smokey said...

I too am going to blame anonymous for your appendix heehee

I pasted my driving test quicker than average, but the next day felt aweful just to find out later on that it was probably MS. Driving is an achievement in itself and as shop-till-you-drop said for you it will be an even bigger achievement. I am proud of you my friend for keeping up the fight and not hiding under a blanket screaming "I can't do it".

I still winning the longest blog competition so try harder next time.

Good luck with your driving test, and next time anonymous has a birthday, tread carefully ...

Good luck also to Harkoo and nice to see you.

I have every erm faith in all my MS friends, they are stronger amazing people, and I feel fortunate to have had the oppurtunity to have meet them.

Love you all

Candy Cane said...

Her birthday is 10 days away smokey

Smokey said...

Ut oh, erm ... RUN for cover !!!

Anonymous please be careful with Candy Cane, we need her healty(ish) and good, have a fantastic birthday just don't break her pleasssssssssseeeeeeeee

Good luck, at least you won't need you appendix out this time, unless you got a spare one :-\ Just good luck I will be keeping everything crossed to make sure you get through the birthday and the driving


Anonymous said...

I am having a quiet day, trying to stay out of trouble, or at least not get caught.Trying to fly under the radar, so I want get caught.rflolI guess i need to watch jerry. Last year he was all bloated from steroids. I guess we all are familiar with that particular side effect. xoxoxoxohugs FM