The random rants and meaningful musings of seven digital divas (who happen to have MS)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I love my friends

Last night I wrote a letter to a very dear friend of mine who lives some distance away from me at the moment. I would like to share with you an excerpt from it, as it wasn't until I wrote it down that I finally "got it", understood what it was I was trying to understand.

"... The one thing I have learned about happiness, it will never last pretending you are not you. Somehow the truth will arise and all that you hide will show through. Sooner or later, one way or another, something in your life seems wrong. You go to bed unhappy and awake the same, repeating life's mistakes too long. One day, to yourself, you begin to question "Is this who I am and wish to be"? How will I choose to live the rest of my life, till death comes? Most people wish to be at peace with G-d, oneself, and those we love. Frequently taking a look at our past.

Insanity is often defined as "doing the same things again and again, but expecting a different result" the seeming inability to learn from past mistakes. To learn you must look at who you are, really are. Not the mask that you have worn for so long as a disguise and protection, that you stopped long ago remembering what was under the mask, then eventual forgot you were wearing a mask at all.

In primary school when you ate the paste, it wasn't because it tasted good, it was because it was forbidden. Every night used to be primary school, and every drink, drug and person the paste. In first grade when you told the boy, you didn't do it to hear him say he liked you. You did it because you knew it was hopeless. Everyday was first grade, every drink, drug and person him.


That is the evolution of survival, that surviving depends on amnesia. The innate tendency to discontinue loving anything, anyone that is gone. That is life. That is its sour seed that grows inside each of us. This is the frailty of life. A paradox of loyalties that invariable cease the moment we can't use them anymore. This is the truth of happiness. A swarm of bees attacking as we catch the bits of nectar that drop. There the future was writ in forbidden paste on primary school lips. Our paradise lost before we ever knew we had them. ..."

Obviously I cannot go into the problems that led me to write this letter, at the time I wrote it. All I want to say is, be who you really are and do not hide behind any masks, otherwise you risk your happiness and sanity. I have lived behind a multitude of masks myself, and always had a reason for them. "It's a psychological disorder", "It was the drugs", "The drinks", "I had to for my boy friend", "It's to help me with MS", again and again I would put on a mask, build the walls, and cocoon myself in pure insanity. Again and again I refused to see the pain and sadness was due to the masks and not from what I was trying to protect myself from.

I missed out on some of the apparently "best years of my life" because I was hiding. I can now see that I was hiding from myself, after all I am my own worse enemy. I just ask, and beg that you do not make the same mistakes I have. Be who you are and be proud of that. You may flaws, you may consider you have more than the next person, but they are part of you, they make up the building blocks of you. You should be just as proud of your flaws as you are of your achievements, because you become stronger by learning from your mistakes than do from the things you get right.

To all my friends, thank you. You have supported and chided, laughed and led, hugged and yelled at me. For all these acts I am so grateful to you all.

Have a great week and brilliant health.

Love Smokey xXx


Candy Cane said...

I couldn't have said it better myself... really i couldn't, i only got a B at GCSE English

Smokey said...

"only got a B at GCSE English" Candy Cane a B is good, it is above average.

Ok I did better than you (had to get it in) But remember what I said in the blog about flaws !

Anyway you are far smarter than me, and you could do better, I know that and you know that.

Did you buy the dress ?

Divvy said...

Well said!!!

I think it's also a thing that comes with getting older - the older I've got the less I worry about what others say/think about me - I am ME and I like ME!!!!

I don't regret anything I have done in my past (dwelling on it won't make it go away!!) And as you say it has made me who I am today (and if people don't like me for who I am then tough!!!)

Thank you for such a good blog entry.

Candy Cane said...

Thats what i say! I've never understood people who are ashamed of saying they have MS and hide it.
I am what I am, it's just one of those things, take it or leave it!
Anymore appropriate cliches spring to mind?